Mike you’re right. In the end, the advice of older men that we ALL ignored “don’t get married” is still the best advice. Both you (and in a way, your wife) will both end up disappointed. I used to think this is “sad”. I don’t know. Happy, sexually fulfilled men are much more capable of giving joy and compassion to the people around them than a man who is stuck in a sex-deprived marriage. If you’re single, don’t get married. If you’re married, well then it gets complicated doesn’t it.
I don’t know, I feel like there is more to the story. Personally, I feel like my marriage did bring me the security that I didn’t know I wanted, but with it came some unexpected “benefits”. I started exercising an agency over my body that I didn’t feel I had before. I can blame my parents or my culture, I don’t know where the deeper problem lies, but as a younger person, I did not “own” my body. We dated and made out, and I was entirely not ready to explore and be explored like we did as teenagers, but I went along with it because it was “what you did”. On top of it I had this competing-with-men thing going on where I felt like I wanted to prove that I could do everything the same, or better, than any guy.
So I got into fishing, playing with knives, and keeping a little black book. None of this was done because it made me truly happy. Again, I do not know exactly where all of this feeling that I had to be that way came from. The point is, I did a lot of things because that’s how they were done, and not because my heart desired them. I didn’t find true sexual desire and pleasure for many years after I had become sexually active. I didn’t feel forced to do things per se, I was sure I wanted to do them at the time, but looking back at my experiences with some honesty, I can see how my mind forced my body to perform. Continue Reading